you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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