go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
