I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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