I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
