The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
