My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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