I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
