I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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