I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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