I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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