OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My brain says no but my pants say off.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
