Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
