One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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