well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Randomize
