He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
