Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
