No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
