i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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