Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
