I'll bet she douches with gravy.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
