I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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