my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
