and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
