I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
