I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i drank out of a bidet.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I will pee on everything he values.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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