Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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