Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
