I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i just made my gag reflex go away.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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