i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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