im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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