the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
