You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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