We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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