he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
