I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
