Are we in a gay sports bar?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
