...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
