your parents love me but you hate me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
