I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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