i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
