Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
