so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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