I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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