I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
