God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
