If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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