Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
