If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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