I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
