She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
