Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
