No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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