His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Never joke about your clitoris.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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